


Monster

by jakaaron



Category: Preacher, Preacher (TV)
Genre: Blood and Violence, Depression, Eating Disorders, Explicit Language, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Suicidal Thoughts, freaking enjoy this shitshow :), my first fic was fluffy and cute so now i wrote this lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-20
Updated: 2016-10-20
Packaged: 2018-08-23 13:51:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8330266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jakaaron/pseuds/jakaaron
Summary: Cassidy’s body quaked as he was wracked with sobs. Though, he never stopped drinking until he had to. His trembling hands didn’t let the body fall away from his hungry mouth. And then he realized, he had let it happen again.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This kinda started as a vent piece but turned into a fic, so enjoy this not-thoroughly-edited, really sad, angsty thing

Cassidy’s body quaked as he was wracked with sobs. Though, he never stopped drinking until he had to. His trembling hands didn't let the body fall away from his hungry mouth. And then he realized, he had let it fucking happen again.

* * *

 

It’s really hard to kill a vampire. Cass had found this out over the years. Yeah, bad guys’ll try to stab ya with stakes and what not, and that’s no biggie, easily avoidable. But eventually those years wear you thin. You start to wonder if you really are what those ‘bad guys’ thought you were, if you really are a monster. If Cassidy was a monster, he didn’t know why he should be the one living forever.

He killed people to survive and he fucking hated it. Hated himself. So why the hell should he keep doing it? Better yet, wouldn't it be better if he just disappeared?

A few skipped breakfasts here and there, a bottle of whatever he could find instead of a week’s worth of food, not bothering to find blood after being on the losing side of a nasty bar fight.

Slowly he faded.

Bones that stick out just a little too far and skin that’s a bit more pale. Bruises no matter how careful he was. His hands shook and he was always cold. His hair even started to fall out.

Eventually, there was that passing comment.

“You look more like a vampire every day now, Cass,” Jesse had said.

Cassidy laughed ruefully, Jesse not catching his tone. “Yeah, a bloody monster, Padre.”

That night, Cassidy needed something- anything -to take his mind off the deep pit in his stomach. By the light of a million stars over the desert, Cass sped the church van into town, hoping the local dealer had something harder than whatever else he’d sold him before. It was gonna take more than your garden variety shite to hold him off for another few days.

As he drove, his unoccupied brain was left to feel all the gnawing within him. His bones ached and his throat burned with bile. His stomach felt like an incinerator; deep and hot and ravenous. His brain throbbed in his skull, a haze over everything he did, vertigo making him lurch. Suddenly, there was a lightness in his limbs and his head hit the steering wheel. He passed out and his foot fell hard on the accelerator.

* * *

 

Cassidy awoke to the sickening snap of his own bones. He was pinned under warped metal and he couldn't feel his legs. Through the shattered windshield, Cass could see the front end of the van wrapped around the trunk of a giant oak tree. Other than that, he could hardly see through the steam and smoke in the night, especially so when a light shined on the wreck, illuminating the cloud a bright and opaque white.

“Oh my god! Hello!? Are you alright?” A man jumped from his car, not bothering to shut it off or even close his door. “Hello?!”

Cassidy’s head was even foggier than before, now he was barely conscious. There was a lulling thrum in the back of his mind. He called weakly to the man: “Please! Please help me.”

Hands reached through the window and tried to free Cass’ limp frame from the vehicle to no avail. Eventually, the man pried oven the door and pulled Cassidy from the driver’s seat. The man laid Cassidy’s broken body gently on the ground. The thrum in Cass’ mind was louder. It was deafening when the man leaned towards him.

Finally it hit him.

A heartbeat.

In a flash, Cassidy grabbed the man by the back of the head, gouging his teeth into the exposed skin of the man’s throat.

He drank, and he drank.

His entire body was surging, roaring, burning. His body and mind felt worse than being on fire. Every broken piece of him from the accident was fusing. Every ache from the starvation was being set ablaze.

He drank and he couldn’t stop.

Soon Cassidy was sobbing, but his mouth never left the corpse of the man. He drank until he had his fill, and then some. His starved body couldn't handle what he was doing, and soon he had to stop so he could retch.

Covered in gore and healed to peak health, Cassidy cradled himself on the ground and sobbed some more. What had he done? He had let it fucking happen again.

He had tried so hard. So hard to fade away and never hurt anyone again. He had tried and now he'd bloody fucked up.

* * *

 

Cassidy decided that he must be a monster. He must be. He decided that monsters live forever. They live forever as punishment for what they are.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading and hope it gave you feels. Comment and kudos so I know what's the haps


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